Town Mulls Adding Toll Booth to Help Defray Cost of Lantern Lane Bridge

October 10, 2020

The Lantern Lane Bridge is a hit.  Since its installation over the summer, the reviews have been great. 

“It’s a nice bridge,” said one of the only known people to cross it. The bridge can be found at the end of Lantern Lane and heads directly into the swamp along the edge of Wilderness Park.   “Getting into the swamp is so much easier,” the unnamed person continued. “The old wooden bridge was fine, but this has some style that you seldom see in a swamp bridge,” he said.

When asked why he was entering the swamp, he quickly muttered “no comment” and receded into the swamp.

There was a big ribbon-cutting ceremony scheduled for the end of August but due to Covid-19, EEE, West Nile, and Lyme disease it has been indefinitely postponed.  There also was an unsubstantiated report that the band was unable to locate the bridge and that is why the ceremony was postponed.  

The bridge was not cheap. Different ideas on how to offset some of the costs of the bridge have been floated (pun intended).  Selling bridge merchandise and snacks was a thought, but licensing proved too cumbersome. Another thought was to install a toll booth at one end of the bridge.

A quick calculation reveals it would only take 175 years to recoup the cost of installing the bridge if everyone who crossed paid the toll of $1275. Objections that the toll might be too high, and people would be discouraged from using the bridge, produced a flurry of different ideas.  One such idea was waiving the toll for people who can correctly answer three questions, such as: “What is your name?” “What is your favorite color?” And “What is the average airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?” (European).

No plans for the rescheduled ribbon-cutting ceremony have been announced.   

Editor’s Note: The Scallion is a lighthearted attempt to poke gentle fun at ourselves.  It’s satire and not to be taken too seriously.

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