Rep. Gordon Proposes Sale of Naming Rights to Town Buildings, Offices

Submitted by State Representative Ken Gordon (D) Bedford

If [Rep. Gordon]  has his way, area residents will soon enjoy a picnic in the Burlington Keurig Common, or perhaps at the Old iRobot Reservoir in Bedford. And Bow Hunting will be an issue affecting the Land-O-Lakes Forest.

State Representative Kenneth Gordon, a member of the powerful Joint Committee on Transportation, has filed a series of bills aimed at raising revenue for the transportation needs of his district, without increasing taxes. His proposal involves the sale of naming rights to certain localities within the towns he represents.

“I have received a great response to H. 3007, which proposes to re-name the portion of Route 3 from Route 128 to the New Hampshire border the ‘Middlesex 3 Highway’ to help designate the region as a technology center,” said Gordon. “There is also excitement to H. 2747, designating May as the Month of Kindness in honor of the generosity of townsfolks in assisting fellow residents.

“But we have a glaring need to reduce traffic in our district by straightening out some of our highways, and making it easier for people to access public transportation. So why not take the low-hanging fruit and sell naming rights to some of our generic-named locations and offices?

“Look, what’s wrong with  Irish Springs Brook Park in Bedford, or Mary Cummings Properties Park in Burlington? It’s not that much of a change.  Pretty soon the residents won’t even notice it. And think of what it will do for our chances of attracting the Olympics!”

“Did somebody say Olympics?” asked Riemer & Braunstein’s Bob Buckley, “As long as it’s going for a good cause, we chipped in to rename the Council on Aging the R&B Senior Center and Rhythm and Blues Hall.  Anything to help Burlington.”

Some claim Gordon has gone a little to far. “Look, it’s one thing he wants to re-name the office of Town Administrator the Kings Bowl CEO, or the King of Burlington, for short” said Selectman Chair Bob Hogan. “He never did know the difference between a Town Administrator and a Town Manager. But he wants to re-name the town boards and other offices as well.”

Burlington and Bedford officials are looking for the person who paid Gordon to re-name the Planning Boards in those towns, “The Knights Who Say ‘Nee'”.

“I picked up the phone and asked to be connected to our Police Chief,” complained King John Petrin. “And the next thing I knew I was talking to The Dreaded Pirate Roberts. Who the heck is paying to change these titles?”

Taking advantage of the situation, local media members including Chris Warren, Rich Hosford, Jayne Miller, Julie Turner and Joy Richard pooled their resources for some new monikers for local officials.

“Rep. Gordan gave us reporters a little help with hard-to-spell names,” said Warren. “It cost us a few dollars to replace Siegenthaler, L’Heroux, Champoux, Cimaglia and Zablotny, but it made our jobs easier.”

Rick Parker, of the newly named Herb Chambers of Commerce, was somewhat frustrated only months after he was hired as new its new president, when his title was changed to The Sherpa of Small Business.

“Ken can have his little fun,” said Parker. “But it’ll be a rainy day in February before I let him go any further.”

“Or maybe it will be the first day of April,” said Gordon. “Happy April Fools Day.”