Submitted by Daisy Girifalco
On this past Thursday evening and Wednesday morning people came from as far north as Gloucester and as far south as Cambridge to join the over 125 people from Bedford and surrounding towns as they packed St. Michael’s common room to hear Kirk Martin (celebratecalm.com) speak.The two hours flew by as people laughed out loud and at times cried.
During the past decade Kirk and Casey have done thousands of presentations around the country. If these two were any indication Kirks energy and logical approach resonated with the crowd. Wednesday morning welcomed another 100 participants many saying that their partner came home the prior evening and said they too should attend.
Martin addresses the audiences own need to be controlling or “perfect” in the eyes of the community. Martin brought down the house laughing with this question “how many of you decorate the Christmas tree and allow the kids to help, but can’t wait for them to go to bed so you can fix it?” He suggests that as parents we force our children to stuff their emotions, and our partners to do so as well by “putting on a happy face” so the outward appearance of our family is “perfect”. “That doesn’t exist” says Martin “you just had a baby with an imperfect person and you’re imperfect and at times you question if the child got both of your imperfect characteristics!”
CALM is an approach to parenting which requires addressing your own family patterns, anxiety and self-awareness first and also be a parent. “The child responds to your stress, and your inability to control yourself, they are a reflection of you” says Martin. Martin bestows clear boundaries and results, but doesn’t encourage the constant use of consequences as they are typically defined.
In times of stress when it’s common to send the child to their room, Kirk encourages the parent to draw the child to you, rather than away. He also encourages giving children ownership and responsibility for contributing to part of the family and allowing them to do things that parents would normally control. Kirk asks “how many of you have noticed when you were really, really sick on the couch and couldn’t move that the kids stepped up and helped out? (many raised hands) well, one day this week fake sick and see what your kids do”. Kirk next states “when you step away, your children step up”.
Martin challenges us to take two minutes during what may typically be a crazy morning routine to have your coffee of tea and just sit with your children. You may find that you’ll be surprised at the result. Martin also asks parents to wake their children by simply sitting on the side of their bed, don’t say anything. When they wake give them a compliment and see how that child’s day progresses.
Martin’s approach isn’t rocket science, it’s logical and much of it parents intrinsically know. What Martin validates is that in our society and the pressures of marriage, work, paying the mortgage, managing other family members and trying to successfully raise one or more children the stress of it drowns out your ability to successfully parent without losing your mind. The CALM approach is a toolbox to parenting, marriage and self-awareness that is well worth investing in.
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